Teaching Consent (It's Not Too Early)

Resources to Build a Healthy Foundation

Have you heard the term consent buzzing around the parenting and sexuality education worlds? This word can bring up heavy feelings around mature concepts like assault, but it’s not grave nor scary.

Practicing consent is an essential social-emotional skill. Consent is giving permission or allowing something to happen.

Consent is a nuanced concept, and children can learn it. In fact, if children understand how consent works and practice giving, asking, and listening for consent in everyday ways, then later conversations and knowledge involving consensual sexual behavior flow more easily.

Understanding Consent Builds Social-Emotional Intelligence

Learning to practice consent builds many social-emotional muscles.

• self-trust

• body autonomy  

• empathy

• confidence

• self-empowerment

• respect for others 

• listening skills

• observation skills

Where do I start, and what do I say?

Start small. 

Children ages 0-6 benefit from role models and active teaching about consent.

Earlier conversations and practice with consent serve as beneficial building blocks. Even infants can understand and communicate consent.

Starting conversations about consent at a younger age will make later talks about intimacy and sex much more straightforward. Plus, early conversations show children that their bodies and the bodies of others are worthy of respect.

Role Model Consent

By modeling asking for, giving, and denying consent, children see our examples. They copy us. 

Types of consent that you can model…

Explicit Consent

We may initially feel silly, but it soon becomes second nature and no big deal to ask someone before touching them. In my early teaching days, I would share a side hug whenever I thought it would help. Now, before leaning in, I ask, “May I give you a hug?” or “Would you like a hug?”

My children and I are pretty affectionate, and we agreed to give universal consent for affection. Anyone can express “no” at any time. Of course, we must observe each other and read body language. As we know, consent is nuanced.

Non-verbal Consent

We can show consent with our eyes, bodies, and energy.

Eli Harwood, The Attachment Nerd, explains that enthusiasm is more indicative of consent than saying “yes.”  This concept is a bit advanced for children but helpful for the adult teacher.

Sidenote: We all know that our child’s health and safety are paramount. They come before consent. For example, children must get buckled in a car seat and sometimes don’t want to. It’s best to explain what is happening and why you must buckle them. Try to let respect shine through the screaming and writhing (I've been there). Consent messages do NOT have to take center stage in moments of safety and big feelings. 

Books for Teaching Kids about Consent

C is for Consent By Eleanor Morrison and Illustrations by Faye Orlove

This is a board book suitable for all ages. I have a soft spot for board books; they are hearty and sweet at the same time. 

This book offers simple examples of consent, such as when a child grants permission for affection or asks a friend for consent to hold their hand. 

In the book, a mother steps in as support. She reminds other adults to ask permission and respect her child's words or gestures.

This is an excellent read-and-re-read treasure for your child’s book basket. 

The “We Say What’s OKAY” Book Series

"We Say What’s OKAY” is a six-book series written by Lydia Bowers and illustrated by Isabel Muñoz. It presents the nuanced parts of consent using concrete examples that a preschooler may experience. 

These stories offer a mirror to a child, showing relatable preschool scenes and a window into the experiences of others. If I knew how to read music, I would also be singing the music at the ends of these books. 

We Can Say No by Lydia Bowers illustrated by Isabela Muñoz.

This book will forever hold a special place in my heart. This book gave my 5-year-old twins a story that helped them understand consent. The bonus was that we all gained empathy and learned the importance of respecting boundaries with Black hair. 

The twins requested this book over and over again; they had so many questions and comments. I knew they ‘got it’ when they started retelling the lessons from the book and calling forth parallels from their lives. “The girl with the hair did not want the teacher to touch it, and she could tell the teacher, even though the teacher was an old lady! So, I can tell Sam I don’t want him to touch my sweatshirt if I don’t like it, right Mama?”  Yes, sweet one, that’s right.

More Great Books by Lydia Bowers

I wholeheartedly recommend these other Lydia Bower books we have read…

We Listen to Our Bodies gives children relatable examples and ways to practice listening to and trusting their bodies. Body awareness is the foundation of consent.

We Check-In With Each Other builds social awareness. It tells kids that everyone can change their mind anytime, for any reason.

We Ask Permission introduces non-verbal communication. In the story, the main character, Jovan, becomes a ‘body language detective’ and observes his peers. (The writing and illustrations remind me of a Montessori classroom).

This book series simplifies the nuances of consent into concrete stories children and adults can comprehend.

Closing Thoughts

Parenting is an art, not a science.

Please give yourself grace. We can allow for many non-consensual moments between parent and child. “I took the toy from you because I told you if you threw it across the room, you would not be able to play with it, and then you threw it across the room.” No consent is necessary.

We are planting ‘consent seeds’ that will grow in time. It will be a non-linear, individual journey, not a perfect road.

REPEAT. REPEAT. REPEAT.

As a teacher, I’m reminded how often a child needs to hear, see, or do something to master the concept. How much repetition does a person need to learn a song? A room full of preschoolers singing This Little Light of Mine will show you that everyone is different, and many require a LOT of practice. Pull out the consent books often. Repetition leads to belief. ¹

Thank you for investing your time, energy, and love into helping children. I believe in you🩷.

1. paraphrased from Muhammad Ali’s quote: “It's the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen."