6 Keys to Healthy Sex Ed Talks

plus a BONUS

Knowledge speaks, wisdom listens.  -(usually attributed to) Jimi Hendrix

Developing the capacity to talk with your child about sexuality is a skill and an art that requires practice. Each small conversation transforms the parent-child connection, adding trust, honesty, and strength to one of life’s greatest relationships.

Let’s explore the steps.

1. Set the Tone

The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice. 
             -Peggy O’Mara

This may be the most crucial step. Your child will gain an impression from how you talk with them. Notice I said talk ‘with’ them and not ‘to’ them. In this journey of sex education, we are all teachers and learners. Together, we foster a mutual learning environment where all perspectives and questions are valued.

Once you’ve become skilled at setting the tone, it's hard to mess up. It only takes a moment to invite a child into heart-centered communication. The sound of your voice, your facial expression, and your body language matter more than the words you speak.

To get a feeling for the tone you want to create, it may be helpful to consider this reflection question:

How would I want to feel if I were a child having a sexuality education talk with my parent or caregiver?

I’ll share my reflection in case it inspires you.

If I could go back and parent myself, I would want to feel safe, comforted, and cherished during vulnerable moments. I would want the adult to take the lead, asking careful questions to help me express myself. I would want my parent to affirm my experience and assure me that I was ‘normal’ and that they would not get angry or scared by me. I would want to feel confident that I’d never be scolded or shamed. I would want to feel heard and respected, in a space that feels so safe that I’m always eager to return there whenever I need to.¹

2. Validate & Clarify

When your child comes to you with a question, once you’ve done your best to set the right tone, do two things: validate and clarify.

Validate - “I’m so glad you asked this question,” or “Oh my gosh, thank you for bringing this up. It’s so important.”

Validation is positive reinforcement. It eases anxiety, and lets them know they made the right choice by coming to you with their question.

Clarify -“So you heard _______ and you are wondering ________?”

For example, if a child asks, “Where did I come from?” and you immediately start talking about an egg and a sperm, the child may crinkle their face and say, “No, I mean, where did I come from? Are my ancestors from Africa?”

So, get clarity.

(As an example see my earlier post about how I answered my 10-year-old’s question about a threesome.)

3. Be Curious

Be CURIOUS, not accusatory. Stay open. Seek to explore and understand your child’s and your perspectives. Curiosity protects us from shame.

Tone is important here also, so remember to keep things light: if things get tense and the child feels like they’re being interrogated, they’ll be less likely to come back to you the next time they have a question.

So stay highly attuned, watching out for subtle changes in voice, body language, and attention. Let wonder be your guide. Whatever comes up in the conversation is okay. You are 100% here for it.

4. Own You

Recognize and own your feelings. 

Emotional regulation is a cornerstone of sex education. If you do not have the emotional capacity to talk with your child immediately, let them know.

You can say something like, “I am so glad you came to me. I absolutely want to talk about this. But I need a little time because I want to talk about this in the best possible way. Can we pause and talk about this later?” [remember tone and validation]

If you pause the conversation, you must be the one to reinitiate it. Do not wait too long—2 days max. “Later” does not mean “never.”

So, keep your word.

If a child comes to you with a sexuality question and you respond with “Let’s talk about this later,” but later never comes, they’ll sense that you are unavailable and uncomfortable with talking about sex, and will seek answers elsewhere.

Personal trauma triggers 

If you feel triggered and reminded of something traumatic, do not disclose this to your child. Children often feel responsible for our emotions. Take a break, take care of yourself, and circle back. If you do not have the emotional capacity to circle back, ask for support from another family member, friend, or teacher.

General societal discomfort

Own it. Name it. Be with it. Proceed with love. 

Own it. This is where many adults exist. Many of us have been conditioned to feel awkward ~ our own sexuality education, our family upbringing, our country, etc… Discomfort around sexuality is in the air we breathe. 

Name it (to your child). You might say something like: “I have to be honest, I feel a bit uncomfortable and a little nervous. No one talked about this with me when I was a kid. I WANT us to talk about this stuff, but I have to be honest, I feel a little awkward.”

or

“It’s pretty normal to feel this way. Maybe we both can feel a little uncomfortable together. We can giggle sometimes, too. Over time it will feel more comfortable, the more we have little talks.”

Be with your feelings. Your uncomfortable nervous system is just that, a pattern of nerves that has been programmed to feel unsettled when speaking about sexuality topics. The nervous system adapts. It gets easier, I promise. 

Proceed with love. Your attention and energy will show your child the importance of understanding and respecting the complex world of humans and sexuality. Not only will your loving approach improve their lives, it will also change yours.

5. Learn Together

It’s no big deal if you don’t know something. Be humble. You don’t have to have all the answers for your child. There is no collection of ‘right’ answers. We live in a world of spectrums, circumstances, perspectives, and possibilities.

Not knowing shows vulnerability. You can say, “Actually, I’m not sure.”² Sexuality topics are complex and rich with human nuance, which makes for excellent discussions over the years.

Model careful, respectful learning and seeking. Let children know that some information is untrue and some may be “not their size” or inappropriate for children. Remind them Google is not a good resource. And remember, children do as you do, not as you say, so avoid Googling anything in front of them.

6. Cycle Back

Come back to the question to check for understanding. In a few days, bring the topic back up. This shows the child that these things matter and that you are still thinking about their learning.

Cycling back also establishes a pattern and an invitation for them to return to you and ask again. Your energy will tell them whether or not these topics are up for discussion.

Teachers circle back to ensure learning all the time (it’s called scaffolding).

“Remember we were talking about _______ the other day? I was wondering what you think about it today?”

“Have you been thinking about ______ at all? I have. What does it mean to you again?”

* Bonus Connection Time

Bonuses make everything better.

Anchor planned talks with something special. Cozy hot chocolate and a snuggle? Walk to the bodega for a slushie? Did someone say “ice cream”?

Anchor unplanned talks with a little celebration. Impromptu kitchen dance party? Make some brownies? Watch a movie together?

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If children are old enough to ask, they are old enough for a developmentally appropriate, factual, honest conversation.

Winning Sex Ed is a collective, positive sum effort. When somebody ‘wins’ we all WIN.

xo

Tara

1. I did not have anything close to this experience in my actual life. Just in case you thought I did.

2. “I’m not sure” is my common response for topics regarding nuances of non-heterosexual topics. My 10-year-old and I often arrive at a place of respect and the possibility of many answers.