The Solar Eclipse of Sex Ed

Illuminating the Path to Open Communication

My husband and I had a fight about traveling to the area of solar eclipse totality. He wanted to go, citing the “once in a lifetime, let’s make family memories” point of view, and I, being an efficient pragmatist and tired mother, cited the “I am overwhelmed and don’t want to add to our already full plate” viewpoint.  A heated discussion ensued.

Footnote: we had hashed it out, sitting next to each other on a shared Google sheet - one sheet column for all my “NOs” and a column for his “YES” rebuttals. 100% recommend arguing with your partner on a Google doc.

I thought it would be easier to stay home. I was anxious about a potential crowd of people. Thoughts of traffic haunted me. After 15 minutes of angry typing, I acquiesced. My motivating factor – I didn’t want my discomfort to ultimately be what deprives my children. That, and a bit of FOMO.

In the end, the solar eclipse viewed from 100% totality, was a 10/10,  far exceeding expectations. 

What does this have to do with sexuality education?  

This experience made me realize that, much like the solar eclipse, there are rare and precious moments in parenting that we should embrace, even if they make us uncomfortable at first. Talking with children about sexuality education should not be as rare as solar eclipses, but it can feel deeply impactful and special, like a force of nature.

Children present us with fleeting magical moments. From an ordinary moment, like last Tuesday when I observed my 5 year old spell, M-I-L-K using the Montessori movable alphabet, his sweet fingers setting letters just so, and his little lisp confidently stating, “see Mama, I did it!” To the startling moment my ten year old tentatively asks me, “Mom, what’s a threesome?” A child bringing up a sexuality topic may not seem like a magical moment, but trust me- it is a gift, a fleeting precious moment to be approached and treated with reverence ~ like a total solar eclipse. 

We can be the parent in the “No” column.

Or we can do what it takes to be the parent championing the “Yes” column.

Here are a few more reasons to add to the “Yes” column:

• Sexuality education can help protect children from sexual abuse

• Sexuality education is not just about sex: it lays the groundwork for physical, emotional, and social well-being

• Starting sexuality education early forms a foundation for young adult topics

• Teaches inclusivity and respect for diversity

• Sexuality education builds a trusting, strong relationship between parent and child

Saying “Yes” to empowering our children with knowledge about sexuality can feel overwhelming. It takes effort. You are not wrong. But you can do it! And I guarantee it is 100% worth it.  A total solar eclipse experience, if you will.

You may be wondering, how did I answer my 10 year old son’s question about threesomes? Very carefully, my friend, and it was awesome.

*10 year old’s photograph taken w/ eclipse glasses in front of iPhone camera 😍

First, I led with curiosity. “Where did you hear that?” Careful to check my tone. Children are sponges who learn from the sound of what we say, not just the words we use. If I was accusatory, or triggered, he may get the message that I’m not really a safe space.

Looking for more context, I asked “When?” “Who was there?” “How did you feel at that moment?”

He let me know there was a group of 6th grade girls giggling by the lockers and they said, “oh my god, Tom doesn’t know what a threesome is!?” Tom is another boy in school (name change).

I clarified his experience and what he was asking by saying, “So you overheard this and thought, gosh, I don’t know what a threesome is either, and I don’t want the girls to laugh at me.”

He nodded and mumbled, “yah.” 

“Did you kind of sense the word was a sexual thing?” 

“Uh huh” His voice had a tone of apprehension and eagerness. He really wanted to know. Children are curious, and rightfully so. 

To anyone who has participated in threesomes, I’d like you to know that I attempted to answer without judgment. Gosh, did I stumble around. My response was something like this…

“Well sweetie, you remember how we have talked about people being mature enough to be sexually active… how people sometimes choose to be with each other without any clothes on…. well, in many cases that happens between two people. Sometimes it happens with three people. When three people are involved in intimate sexual behavior, that’s called a threesome.”

I started to slip around like someone trying to catch themselves from falling on unexpected black ice. I started saying things like “a threesome is not typical behavior. Sometimes people may try a threesome, but not do it all the time.” I kept talking, not sure what I was saying… I finally grabbed the sex ed railing, stabilized my blubbering self by saying, “I’m going to stop talking now.”  

Remember that: sometimes we just need to STOP TALKING. This was a 10 year old asking a  threesome question, not a 20 year old.

I checked-in with him.

“Do you understand what a threesome means now?”

I reminded him about respect and kindness.

 “Remember that it’s not kind to tease people about what they do not know. Especially about sexuality. Sexuality topics are taboo for many people”

I expressed gratitude and invited him back to me, establishing a safe path of communication.

“ I’m so grateful you came to me. I’m so proud of you and I love you, buddy! You can always come to me and I will always give you an age-appropriate, honest answer.”

I also thanked him for not Googling it…which is a topic for another day.

Deep connection happens during sexuality education: awe-inspiring and transformative. We are all vulnerable, precious beings simply trying to understand the world and shine our light. 

Thanks for reading, please subscribe and we can all be Winning Sex Ed, together.