No Big Deal Conversations Are the Building Blocks We Need

also known as: "NBD Convos"

Hello Friends,

Today, I want to introduce you to a helpful term and concept I made up— NBD Convos. It’s short for No Big Deal Conversations. ¹ These are brief communications, both verbal and non-verbal, that can have a meaningful lasting impact, and when put together become the building blocks we need for sexual health understanding.

Gearing up for “The Talk” is old thinking. Today’s culture presents us with unlimited moments for small, seed-planting moments of exchange. AKA - NBD Convos.

Photo by Enrique Bancalari on Unsplash

Poolside NBD Convo Example

Last week, I taught 5th, 6th, and 7th graders in a Montessori Horizons program. Horizons is a nationwide program that provides summer academic and social-emotional support in an effort to achieve educational equity. It has been a privilege to work with the students. They are kind, respectful, and ebullient young people eager to be their best!

The days were typical: word problems and poetry, building confidence and emotional wellness. Opportunities for sex education popped up multiple times. However, in this role, I am not the sexuality educator, so I have held back. One day at the pool, I couldn’t help myself from having a quick NBD Convo.

photo credit: Altered Snaps

One middle school student stood at the edge of the community pool wearing sweatpants. A group of boys asked her why she was not swimming. Her hand flew to her swiveling hip as she announced, “I have my period and I don’t have a…. well, you probably don’t even know what it is — a tampon!” The boys, just on the doorstep of puberty, were stunned, not sure how to respond. Most seemed to shrink behind one appointed brave boy, angled like branches sprouting from the trunk of a tree. The particularly steady boy, furrowed his brows, and asked her, “Wait, are you not swimming because there would be blood in the water?” I scanned his tone, hoping to finesse this interaction correctly: his questioning was genuine, not disrespectful.

I jumped in before the girl could answer.²

Observing children and stepping in when guidance is necessary is a tenant of Montessori philosophy. These young people clearly needed some help.

I first addressed the girl: “Hi friend, are you ok? Do you need a tampon? I can get one for you, no problem” (normalizing the word tampon and inserting an everyday tone).

“No, I have one. I’m not swimming because I don’t have my swimsuit today.” She made a sweeping gesture toward her attire and then walked away. Her tone struck a precarious balance between annoyed, empowered, and in-the-know, which totally tracks for an 8th grader. ³ My intuition sensed she was emotionally fine and I let her be.

Cue, the NBD Convo - clear, concise, answer the question directly without elaboration. Check for clarification.

I turned to the boy, sensing that he wasn’t trying to be a jerk. “Do you genuinely want to know if there would be blood in the water?”

“Yah” he said with a sheepish nod, eyes locked.

“You weren’t trying to be mean?”

“No.” The crew of boys relaxed and listened, happy they were not in trouble.

I explained, “There are products called menstrual products. One kind is called a tampon. It absorbs menstrual blood from inside the body. It prevents blood from going into the water. You don’t have to worry about blood in the water. Anyone who menstruates can choose to use one when swimming. Does that make sense?”  Affirmative head nods bobbed.

I followed up, asking the center boy, “Do you have any classes about this in your school?” 

“Yes, we had sex ed, but they only taught us about our bodies and what happens to me.” He made a similar gesture to the middle schooler, sweeping his arms along his body.  Then he slapped his chest, stating indignantly “I don’t know what happens in a female body. We didn’t learn that.”

Other boys jumped in, chirping about what they had or did not have at their school regarding sexual health education. Then, the lifeguard blew the whistle, and it was our group’s turn to swim. Conversation over - no big deal.

The whole exchange may have taken 90 seconds. 

I wish we lived in a world where we answered sex ed questions with a matter-of-fact ease. I could have let this moment pass by telling the boys to “move along” or saying something like “that’s enough” adding taboo to their curiosity. To be honest, sometimes there are restraints that prevent NBC Convos, but if we address moments more often than ushering them past, then maybe we can start to break down the taboo around sexual health and educate children in the in between moments.

In the the book Atomic Habits, James Clear illustrates the impact of repeated small gains. By aiming for 1% better every day a person could be 37% better at the end of the year. Opportunities for sex ed may not present themselves daily, so the math is off, but the idea is there, every little NBD Convo will have far reaching positive impacts.

photo credit: jamesclear.com

A Bed of Nails - Many Sexual Health NBD Convos Won’t Hurt You

On Monday, the Horizons program traveled to the Boston Science Museum, where a highlight for the children was trying out the bed of nails. 

image from An Emerald City

The infographic next to the hands-on exhibit explains what happens: 

“When you lie down on the bed of nails, each of the 1,000 nails supports a tiny fraction of your weight. The pressure is spread out, so the nails won’t hurt you.”

Sexuality education can be built by hundreds of small NBD Convos. The act of addressing sexual health understanding in hundreds of small moments, helps feel less overwhelming, awkward, and dreaded.

If your body tenses when a sex ed moment comes up, I invite you to hear a little supportive voice saying, “You got this… it’s just a ‘lil NBD Convo.”

You have a community of support right there with you.✨

xo

Tara

1. The abbreviation NBD can be qualified as outdated since people started using it in the early 2000s and entered the Urban Dictionary in 2005.

2. Shout out to all the teachers out there who find themselves in a moment that calls for teaching much more than academics. Superstars✨

3. People choosing not to swim when they are menstruating is a thing. If you observe someone opting out of swimming, no need to pressure or ask questions.