A Case for Opening Up Way Before the Teenage Years

Thanks, Peggy

Did you see the latest New York Times essay written by best selling author Peggy Orenstien?

The html link gives a pretty good summary: choking-teen-sex-brain-damage.html.

My best friend Lia, Brooklyn mother of three, sent it to me. Our follow-up phone call will start something like this, “Oh my gosh, Liaaaaa ~ are you going to talk with ________ (her teenage son) about choking!? WTF? This is a thing. What will you say?”

Early the next day, I texted the article to my friend Katie, mother of a 12 year old boy, who responded with “JFC.” Typically, I need to Google acronyms, or I just interpret them wrong, like Phil Dunphy on Modern Family:

I did not need to Google this time. “JFC” rang true. I also experienced both versions of WTF. 😲🫢🥺😥

Here is an excerpt from The Troubling Trend in Teenage Sex :

For the past four years, Dr. Herbenick has been tracking the rapid rise of “rough sex” among college students, particularly sexual strangulation, or what is colloquially referred to as choking.

My takeaway from Ms. Orenstein is that parents need to take an active role in educating their children about sex and sexuality. The current approaches to sex ed are failing young people. 

We need to scaffold sexuality education. 

The first conversation should not be about ‘rough sex’ or pornography, or even puberty. Sexuality education begins with parental role models. Just like small children observe adults read, then children brains develop more, they learn letter sounds, next they actually start to read! Soon they are reading to learn, and so on… It happens over time, with many small growth spurts. Children need the same approach for sexuality education.

(in teacher speak: ‘scaffolding’ means the educator gradually removes guidance and support as students learn and become more independently competent.)

Peggy Orenstien has been trying to tell us that our current approach to sex ed is not working. She wrote two previous NYT articles and a number of best-selling books. She wrote “If You Ignore Porn, You Aren’t Teaching Sex Ed”  in 2021. Here is an excerpt from her 2016 article, “When Did Porn Become Sex Ed?”

Here’s a brief excerpt:

THE other day, I got an email from a 21-year-old college senior about sex — or perhaps more correctly, about how ill equipped she was to talk about sex. The abstinence-only curriculum in her middle and high schools had taught her little more than “don’t,” and she’d told me that although her otherwise liberal parents would have been willing to answer any questions, it was pretty clear the topic made them even more uncomfortable than it made her.

We canNOT let the conversations make us feel uncomfortable. We have to override our nervous systems and reprogram the taboo conditioning we’ve inherited.

When my friends and I finally connect on the phone, we’ll probably reminisce about our college days, grateful we weren’t dealing with possibly getting choked during a hook-up.

Then we’ll go ‘round and ‘round rattling off the challenges children face today, trying to teach ourselves how to be empathetic parents that know how to raise decent humans. Humans who don’t choke another during sex - without consent! 

Sexuality education is unchartered territory for many. Most of the adults I know do not have a stellar childhood experience to serve as a north star for ‘good sex ed.’ And I’m pretty sure none of us had a ‘choking talk.’

Our tech culture needs a sex ed update.

Here’s the other thing: parents are the MOST influential people to help a child understand the complicated landscape of sexuality. So we need to help our children make sense of sex and sexuality.  It is our responsibility. If we don’t at least try, we are failing them. 

Sex Ed is not rocket-science. It can be uncomfortable, but it’s always worth it. 

Make it easier, start early. Have lots of little conversations, and soon all sexuality related talks will feel like exercise: sometimes exhilarating, sometimes painful and exhausting - always good for you.  

Amaze.org and AmazeJr are my two TOP recommendations for busy parents. Feeling ready? Start here.

It’s free. It’s well-organized. It’s inclusive. The videos are short. You can do this!

Thanks for reading. Thank you for all your work, Peggy Orenstein.

Much love to everyone working to take the taboo out of sexuality education.

xo

Tara

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