Recently, in the chatty teachers’ room, a colleague asked me, “You have three boys; what’s the worst sexual health thing that could happen? They knock someone up?” It was one of those off-the-cuff, kind of crass comments that made time stand still and zoomed things into crystal-clear focus⚡️.
My answer came from somewhere beyond logic or thinking - I answered with a clipped tone. “No. That would definitely NOT be the worst thing. The worst thing that could happen would be if one of my children sexually assaulted someone. Unwanted pregnancy would be a problem, not a tragedy.” A shiver went down my spine as both scenes flashed through my mind, body & soul.
Historically, the success of sex education programs was measured by any reduction in unwanted pregnancies and a lower rate of sexually transmitted infections. Which is a limited way to assess what a successful sexual health education looks like young people today.
Have you ever thought of that question: “What is the worst thing that could happen if I do not educate my child about sexual health?”
Please don’t contemplate for too long, or too deeply, the possibilities are beyond upsetting. I only offer this reflection because thinking about ‘the worst’ could help determine the most important topics for you and your family.
Do you want to know what is essential to me as a parent who is also a sexual health educator?
Consent.
I am raising three middle-class white boys, and they need explicit instruction on “how not to be an a**hole” because our culture sends some pretty confusing messages. By high school, my husband and I aim to have our three boys understand and practice consent with a skill level akin to Simone Biles in the Olympics.
Young Children Learn Consent
Without knowing it, I started teaching consent when my first son was one. I learned about “no forced sharing” when working with Sep Kamvar and the MIT Media Lab in 2013, when they launched the first of the Wildflower Montessori Schools in Cambridge, MA. Sep talked about following “no forced sharing” with his son. My new mother ears perked up, I pretended to know what he was talking about, then went home and Googled it. [obviously] Basically, no force sharing is giving toddlers the opportunity to practice consent. The next day, I observed carefully how Montessori children’s house teachers guide children to practice consent in everyday ways.
But truth be told, WWIII of fairness and sharing breaks out in our house; the Hartleys are still in training for a gold medal in consent 🏆.
Young Adults Learn Consent
Young adults have the capacity for a more advanced understanding of consent. I hope my children become champions and allies against non-consensual moments they may observe between others.
If I were raising a girl, non-binary, or transgender child, then I would be acutely intent that they understand and practice both sides of consent.
My dear friend has a 14-year-old daughter. Over drinks, she said, “I guess I should talk with her about sex, huh?” I wanted to flood her with information, but no one likes sex-ed clever clogs, so I tried to be relaxed and share the must-haves for teen girls. “Maybe talk with her about puberty changes and then…consent?”
I suggested she discuss a few hypotheticals. Here are a few ideas for you, dear reader:
What would you do if someone was being playful with you, flirting, and then they touched you in a way that made you cringe? [discuss a few possibilities - remember to be overly supportive … this will keep future conversations on the table]
A friend dares you to do something, and you don’t want to, but you are afraid of looking uncool. [make up a few different “somethings” - you know your child best]
You are interested in someone as more than a friend and want to hold their hand (hug, kiss, etc…); what do you do?
When we give young people a chance to play out possible scenarios without the real world teen pressure, they feel more prepared.
Remember explicit childhood lessons about not talking to strangers or how to safely ride a bike on the road? Not giving your name or address on the internet? Safety drills at school? We practice.
That’s how learning works in school: a teacher presents a concept, and students practice (hello, homework), then students have the opportunity to show mastery on a quiz or a test. High quality learning is something they can use. Something practiced before life requires you to use those skills. Asking the child to go from class to a real life test is a big jump. It’s still better than no lesson at all. Let’s give direct guidance and role-play practice on how to say “no” in a tricky situation.
Teaching young people ways to keep themselves healthy in sexual situations is another essential safety skill — add it to our world’s anxiety-producing list (sorry, I’ll try to pick the mood up).
Knowing your “Yes!” is as important as knowing your “No!”
Let’s also let young people know that emotionally and physically safe, consensual sexual exchanges or relationships can be an enjoyable, natural part of life.1
Eli Harwood, also known as The Attachment Nerd, explains that knowing your “Yes!” is as important as knowing your “No!”
Her video entitled How To Raise Consent Detectives is excellent. For some neurodivergent people, detecting consent may be a challenge. Eli Harwood offered a possible approach in this video.
Contrast lack-of-consent hypotheticals with positive, enthusiastic consensual scenarios. Let’s give children a sense that many, many humans have natural, healthy, consensual sexual interactions. Healthy sexual interactions are not bad.
By talking about difficult topics like consent, my children grow up knowing they can talk to me about anything — and they do!
Talking about sexual health can be another gateway to strengthen connection and communication between you and your child. Try out a hypothetical scenario conversation, or learn more about no-force sharing for your littles.
Let’s remember, it’s a journey and we are all 100% imperfect. I still need to remind myself to ASK before taking a fry from someone else’s plate.
I’m always happy to share some fries with all of you. Ever mix hot sauce with your ketchup? It’s my favorite.
xo
Tara
Not all people have a desire for sexual relationships; it is natural not to. Asexual individuals have little or no sexual desire.